I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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