I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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