I'm so fucking centered right now
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
