Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
