the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
We need to get me chipped asap
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
