Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
