honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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