I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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