Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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