One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
