Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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