it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
