i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
