My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
