Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
