I wanna passion pit in your ass
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
