The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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