Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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