I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
