I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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