I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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