he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
