Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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