I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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