the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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