I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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