I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Randomize
