You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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