she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
