Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Randomize
