Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
