I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
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