Please don't use social media to get back at me.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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