Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
