Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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