got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
