i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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