I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
