Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
