so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
if only i could text you this smell
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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