You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
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