Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
