In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Your cock deserves a montage
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
