did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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