apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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