Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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