I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
