My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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