Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
