it's too hot outside to masturbate.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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