if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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