dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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