i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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