watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
