They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
