How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
