She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
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