you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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