I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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