This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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