She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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