Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
