Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize