Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
