He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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