She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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