We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize