I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
