So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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